The perfect gift for the douchebags in your life

[Mofome]

Give these to someone who is about to go on a long ride.

 

https://www.buzzfeed.com/michaelrusch/haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-are-the-most-insane-thin?utm_term=.paKpQjKdb#.gw24nBdv8

 

1. From a review titled: “Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.“

“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM.”

 

2. From a review titled: “Be sure to buy Oxyclean too!“

“Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.”

 

3. From a review titled: “Yup - Believe the hype!“

“I saw the product reviews and told some coworkers, so we bought a bag (because who doesn’t want to spend the workday on the toilet AND get paid, right??). Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom. Best moment of the day was when one of them (who had been in the bathroom for half an hour by that point) texted one of the others. ‘If you think it’s a fart….it’s NOT.’ hahhaaaaaa”

 

4. From a review titled: “It’s. All. True.“

“OMG. Everything previously written is true. It’s all true. Don’t eat more than 15 in a sitting unless you are trying to power wash your intestines.”

 

5. From a review titled: “Fully weaponized Gummy Bears“

“The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home’s septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of a pelvis-shaking Gummy Bear assault, I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster.”

 

6. From a review titled: “AWESOME and EXPLOSIVE!!“

“The explosive gas let loose and to an explosive shart!!! 1 mile from home on my walk and it was a long 1 mile back and I had a mess!! Fortunately for compression shorts it didn’t run down my legs!! Now I had to hold the gas for fear of blowing my entire intestines out into my shorts!! I made it home and what happened then was like something out of Dante’s Inferno!!! My butt became an upside down volcano!! Best to stock up on toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner as you will totally spray the bowl and back of the seat!! I would no sooner get done and have to go again. When you get the urge to “go” you best be in proximity of toilet!!! I spent hours on the toilet.”

 

7. From a review titled: “You dont understand.“

“I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.

 

When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.

 

Eat two at a time. Three if you’re brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.”

 

8. From a review titled: “Excellent taste, in small portions.“

“During one of the last of the 8 trips to the bathroom, I released such a large volume of gas that my external anal sphincter could not do it’s job, and remained open/relaxed, while about 4.5-5 seconds of gas was expelled. I’ve never experienced, or even heard of that happening. It was so unnatural, that I had to check to feel if my colon had somehow passed through the anal sphincter muscle.”

 

9. From a review titled: “Gastrointestinal Armageddon“

“After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you’ve eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you’re pleading for relief.”

[joeybagadonuts]

If you have some time to kill, head to amazon and read the reviews there.

 

The above aren't even in the top 20!

 

I was crying laughing reading some of them

[eggs]

YUM!

[joeybagadonuts]

1.0 out of 5 stars Do not bring to sporting events!, January 18, 2014

By gregbA

The place: BMO Harris Bradley Center

The event: Bucks VS Spurs

The snack: Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears made by Haribo

 

I recently took my 4 year old son to his first NBA game. He was very excited to go to the game, and I was excited because we had fantastic seats. Row C center court to be exact. I've never sat that close before. I've never had to go DOWN stairs to get to my seats. 24 stairs to get to my seats to be exact.

 

His favorite candy is Skittles. Mine are anything gummy. I snuck in a bag of skittles for my son, and grabbed a handful of gummy bears for myself, to be later known as Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears, that I received for Christmas in bulk from my parents, and put them in a zip lock bag.

 

After the excitement of the 1st quarter has ended I take my son out to get him a bottled water and myself a beer. We return to our seats to enjoy our candy and drinks.

 

..............fast forward until 1 minute before half time...........

 

I have begun to sweat a sweat that is only meant for a man on mile 19 of a marathon. I have kicked out my legs out so straight that I am violently pushing the gentleman wearing a suit seat in front of me forward. He is not happy, I do not care. My hands are on the side of my seat not unlike that of a gymnast on a pommel horse, lifting me off my chair. My son is oblivious to what is happening next to him, after all, there is a mascot running around somewhere and he is eating candy.

 

I realize that at some point in the very near to immediate future I am going to have to allow this lava from Satan to forcefully expel itself from my innards. I also realize that I have to walk up 24 stairs just to get to level ground in hopes to make it to the bathroom. I’ll just have to sit here stiff as a board for a few moments waiting for the pain to subside. About 30 seconds later there is a slight calm in the storm of the violent hurricane that is going on in my lower intestine. I muster the courage to gently relax every muscle in my lower half and stand up. My son stands up next to me and we start to ascend up the stairs. I take a very careful and calculated step up the first stair. Then a very loud horn sounds. Halftime. Great. It’s going to be crowded. The horn also seems to have awaken the Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears that are having a mosh pit in my stomach. It literally felt like an avalanche went down my stomach and I again have to tighten every muscle and stand straight up and focus all my energy on my poor sphincter to tighten up and perform like it has never performed before. Taking another step would be the worst idea possible, the flood gates would open. Don’t worry, Daddy has a plan. I some how mumble the question, “want to play a game?” to my son, he of course says “yes”. My idea is to hop on both feet allllll the way up the stairs, using the center railing to propel me up each stair. My son is always up for a good hopping game, so he complies and joins in on the “fun”. Some old lady 4 steps up thinks its cute that we are doing this, obviously she wasn’t looking at the panic on my face. 3 rows behind her a man about the same age as me, who must have had similar situations, notices the fear/panic/desperation on my face understands the danger that I along with my pants and anyone within a 5 yard radius spray zone are in. He just mouths the words “good luck man” to me and I press on. Half way up and there is no leakage, but my legs are getting tired and my sphincter has never endured this amount of pressure for this long of time. 16 steps/hops later…….4 steps to go…….My son trips and falls on the stairs, I have two options: keep going knowing he will catch up or bend down to pick him up relieving my sphincter of all the pressure and commotion while ruining the day of roughly the 50 people that are now watching a grown man hop up stairs while sweating profusely next to a 4 year old boy.

 

Luckily he gets right back up and we make it to the top of the stairs. Good, the hard part was over. Or so I thought. I managed to waddle like a penguin, or someone who is about to poop their pants in 2.5 seconds, to the men's room only to find that every stall is being used. EVERY STALL. It's halftime, of course everyone has to poop at that moment. I don't know if I can wait any longer, do I go ahead and fulfil the dream of every high school boy and poop in the urinal? What kind of an example would that set for my son? On the other hand, what kind of an example would it be for his father to fill his pants with a substance that probably will be unrecognizable to man. Suddenly a stall door opens, and I think I manage to actually levitate over to the stall. I my son follows me in, luckily it was the handicap stall so there was room for him to be out of the way. I get my pants off and start to sit. I know what taking a giant poo feels like. I also know what vomiting feels like. I can now successfully say that I know what it is like to vomit out my butt. I wasn't pooping, those Satan's Diarrhea Hate Bears did something to my insides that made my sphincter vomit our the madness.

 

I am now conscious of my surroundings. Other than the war that the bottom half of my body is currently having with this porcelain chair, it is quiet as a pin drop in the bathroom. The other men in there can sense that something isn't right, no one has heard anyone ever poop vomit before.

 

I can sense that the worst part is over. But its not stopping, nor can I physically stop it at this point, I am leaking..it's horrible. I call out "does anyone have a diaper?" hoping that some gentleman was changing a baby. Nothing. No one said a word. I know people are in there, I can see the toes of shoes pointed in my direction under the stall.. "DOES ANYONE HAVE A DIAPER!?!" I am screaming, my son is now crying, he thinks he is witnessing the death of his father. I can't even assure him that I will make it.

 

Not a word was said, but a diaper was thrown over the stall. I catch it, line my underwear with it, put my pants back on, and walk out of that bathroom like a champ. We go straight to our seats, grab out coats and go home. As we are walking out, the gentleman that wished me good luck earlier simply put his fist out, and I happily bumped it.

 

My son asks me, "Daddy, why are we leaving early?"

"Well son, I need to change my diaper"

[joeybagadonuts]

Verified Purchase

As some of you know, recently there has been a lot of attention on Facebook about the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears sold through Amazon. Like many of you I have also read these reviews. They are extremely hilarious. As I read, I had tears streaming down my face and laughed so hard that my silent laugh came out. It was one of the best ab workouts I have ever had. But, I was skeptical that they were true. My husband and I even wondered if those reviews we read were a secret creative writing contest. So, in my need to know I bought some of the gummies in question. I waited two days for them to arrive on my doorstep.

Then like the curious cat, at 9 pm at night I sat down on the couch and ate 14 very tasty gummies. Then I waited. Skeptical.

An hour and a half later my belly started rumbling. Gas rumbles carry a very different tune than hunger rumbles. But nothing happened other than that. So I went to bed. During the night however, I was awaken several times by lengthy thunder rolls under the covers, all produced by moi. So as the night progressed I felt my stomach grow with gas. I also felt like the thunderess gas was about to go from mild annoyance to intense sharting. I just couldn't tell when that would happen. And since I was experiencing gas bombs about 1 per every 10 minutes, each lasting about 10-15 seconds, I figured I better get to the bathroom. After reading the reviews and experiencing it thus far, I knew what to expect next...

So my first few trips to the bathroom were safe. The only experience was the massive echoes coming from my toilet. Picture every sound imaginable, from trumpets blowing in angelic choirs to dying and screaming wildebeasts getting eaten alive in the plains of Africa... And yes, you could even hear the lionesses growling in the undertones. The smell was something of a mix of dead and rotting skunk to sewage plant filled with corpses.

Probably my 10th trip to the throne and the sharting began. Explosive. It made my toilet look like it got sprayed with sticky brown confetti. I was impressed. Over and over that happened until the giant finally came at about 8:30 am, as my rectum proceeded to give birth to a large size poo child into the commode. I completely unloaded. I am pretty sure I lost about 5 lbs. My poor toilet was completely unprepared for the act of war that those 14 colorful little bears raged upon it. Now my toilet is so clogged that the plunger won't even work. I have to wait for a plumber to come clean it out this week sometime...

You would have thought it ended there... No. The rolling gas and bloat continued. But I felt the need to go to the gym. I am on a workout streak right now, and I didn't want to break my trend. I thought "no problem. I'll just take 4 gas-ex!" After eating my minty gas-ex, I headed off to the gym with my sweet smelling breath and my "death becomes her smelling" budunkadunk.

It takes about 7 minutes to get to the gym from my house. It got 'thick' in my car. i obeyed all traffic laws for fear of being pulled over and arrested for attacking the officer with lethal gas. My stomach's protested the whole ride. "Do we have to go?!" And "Are you sure you want to do this?! I plan on making your life a living hell!"

Gas worked its way out of me 2 more times from the car to the YMCA gym doors. I allowed that to happen because I had a feeling it might get 'real' in the gym. It was Thursday (yoga day), but due to my situation I decided to forgo yoga. I just knew all that bending and relaxing was not going to go in my favor. I was fairly positive I would not have made any friends that day. And, I feared might even be kicked out of yoga entirely, until I had a physicians note stating I as safe to be around people again.

So I spent my time lifting in the 2nd floor gym. But, before I did that I decided to go one more round in the 'woman's only' locker room. I was hoping that the room would be empty because I was going to be loud. Not so. It was filled with many old bitties walking about in their naked flabby skin. I guess water aerobics just got out...

Moving on...This time I held toilet paper to my sphincter in order to muffle the chorus. It worked, but I had to keep switching out the toilet paper bunch because of sharting. Luckily I kept my hands clean. After 5 minutes in the stall I decided I better head up and get to my workout.... I was expecting the bitties to come a'knocking to check in on me... Make sure that that death smell wasn't me actually dying.

I spent an hour working out. Upper body. I didn't want any jostling causing a slip up down under.

At about mid-day the gas eased up. But it didn't stop until after a full 24 hours.

So I decided that was enough for me. I took the candies to my husband's office. He is an OBGYN. I put the colorful little bears in a pretty glass candy bowl. I warned all his staff not to eat them. A midwife didn't believe my warning, however. She got to have her own experience, during which she had to deliver 2 babies.

Now we are watching the gummies slowly disappear because the night time cleaning staff always steals my husband's candy that I leave for him in his office. I am pretty sure whoever it is will have made an appt with a GI doctor by now because they can't figure out why their stomach and intestines are trying to kill them every night.

Hope you enjoyed my cautionary tale....

[BrockBankrupt]

Perfect douche gift would be an orange cape.

 

Forumville's biggest douche has already worn this.  Best part as this child actually acts tough.

 

Carry on kid, it gets better after high school.

 

I remember when this 12 year old talked tough to peep.  Now he's all of 16 and a REAL big man.

 

You got these Non heterosexual person at the TMZ forum all scared there Vanderpuke?

 

Tough guy.  You carry on there big man.

[BrockBankrupt]

Spic and span, post that methed out basement vid of this Homosexual human being talking tough.

 

Some funny shit right there.

 

C'mon burrito boy, post that vid. Your best work, do it.

 

Hat on sideways.  LOL  tough fucker right there.

[BrockBankrupt]

Great forum we have here.  Can we get a thread about the "Sewing with Nancy" TV show?

 

 

jajajaja  

[Mofome]

Perfect douche gift would be an orange cape.

 

Forumville's biggest douche has already worn this. Best part as this child actually acts tough.

 

Carry on kid, it gets better after high school.

 

I remember when this 12 year old talked tough to peep. Now he's all of 16 and a REAL big man.

 

You got these Non heterosexual person at the TMZ forum all scared there Vanderpuke?

 

Tough guy. You carry on there big man.

An out of shape ogder obsessing over mo didley, what a surprise. You always talk tough in the net - it's intimidating.

[Mofome]

Spic and span, post that methed out basement vid of this Homosexual human being talking tough.

 

Some funny shit right there.

 

C'mon burrito boy, post that vid. Your best work, do it.

 

Hat on sideways. LOL tough fucker right there.

Lots of fashion commentary - you're quite the flirt.

[eggs]

Nothing like a nice clean colon is what I say. I bleach mine twice a week. It's good to have farts that smell like laundry detergent. "Why does it suddenly smell like Tide in here?"

[yisman]

I remember reading a thread about these